Research Findings
Ethnicity, Racism and Youth Identity Formation

In order to understand ethno-racial minority youths’ lived experiences in regards to growing up or integrating in Canadian society; we began exploring youth ethno-racial identity. This is an important aspect of identity formation, including its relation to sexuality. Two dimensions of ethno-racial identification were explored in the interviews. The first relates to their self-identification, with primarily Canadian culture, or with their parents’ ethno-cultural heritage. The other relates to their experiences and identification as ethno-racial minority youth.

Youth self-identification

When youth discussed whether they identified more with their parents’ cultural heritage group or with Canadian culture, most participants identified themselves as belonging first to the ethno-cultural background of their parents. This was very common for both foreign-born and Canadian-born youth. Only one participant considered herself to be Canadian, mostly because she has been able to “pass” as Canadian, and believed her skin color did not reveal her ethno-racial status. She believed this to be an advantage that prevented her having to face racism and discrimination. In some cases, identifying as Canadian meant that participants always had to explain their backgrounds, because their “color is what other people see first”, meaning that being Canadian is not considered explanatory enough when your “overall look” or skin color is non-white.

In spite of a strong identification with their parental ethno-cultural background; many participants identified themselves as “being stuck in the middle” of differing cultures or being “50/50.”

I think when you are born here; you’re pretty much stuck in the middle. So you’re both; but I think I consider myself more [ethnic group] than I do Canadian, even though I was born and raised here – because you can’t change who you’re or where you came from. I think that is what structures you.

It was believed that the reality of belonging to different cultures created some pressure on youth when faced with contrasting or irreconcilable differences or expectations. These expectations come from parents, peers and mainstream Canadian society and challenge ERM youth to navigate among different worldviews while shaping their identities. Some participants felt that newcomer parents sometimes do not understand the challenges their children face while adapting to or growing up in Canada.

[If] parents are so strict and holding on to the old ways, of course your kid is not going to grow up right in a totally new environment... you can hold on to some old things, like founding principles, but be flexible.

Pulled between these multiple expectations and realities, participants make comparisons “back and forth, back and forth” between their parents’ ethno-racial backgrounds and their lives in Canada. Some found themselves “somewhere in the middle”, attempting to strike a “kind of balance between life here and what their parents want for them”. Some felt responsible for explaining their middle ground to their parents, interpreting the differences they saw between their parents’ backgrounds and Canadian mainstream culture. One participant referred to this as bringing her parents up to “the speed to where kids these days are... what a Canadian kid is like.”

Participants were able to find many aspects of their cultural identity very gratifying. Participants expressed their cultural heritages in many ways, including; communicating in several languages, having other “ways of doing things” (such as time management and family supports) eating ethnic foods, wearing cultural dress, communicating with family outside Canada, and learning about their ancestry’s history, politics and religion. Cultural heritages were also expressed through less formal activities, such as the way participants talked to their families or the way they treated others. These practices, as well as participating in cultural holidays and functions made some feel closer to their cultural identities.

Maintaining their ties to cultural heritage and practices was important to some participants in order to keep that part of their identity alive. One participant explained that this is because her cultural identity is more “fragile” than her Canadian identity.

[My cultural identity] will always be more threatened than my Canadian identity. There’s absolutely no way I can shake off my Canadian identity. It’s embedded in my mind.

Another participant expressed a similar view, that if she did not cling to her cultural identity it would become “tarnished” or disappear. In contrast, most participants did not feel they needed to practice particular aspects of Canadian culture, as their Canadian identities were formed and expressed during everyday life and experiences.

Participants also found that because of their backgrounds, it was inevitable to see differences across cultures, not just between their own predominant ethno-cultural identity and Canadian culture. Some of them indicated that they adopt and adapt aspects of socio-cultural life that are based on cultures other than their own cultural heritage. One participant said: “there’s a lot of other different cultures that I’m picking up from and adapting into my own and making my own”, and another youth took “pinches of different customs”. For these participants, being embedded in a multicultural setting “it’s like [having] the best of both worlds.”

Some participants were aware of the ways that they could use their multiple cultural identifications to their own advantage. They were aware that there were certain times when it might benefit them to identify themselves as more “Canadian” or more “ethnic”. One African participant explained:

I definitely won’t be the president of this country, but . . . if I get to know the right people and if I get to present myself in the way that is pleasing to whoever is up there; I think I can go as high as I want to.

Another felt that when applying for some jobs, it was an advantage to put a check in the ‘visible minority’ box. It appears that participants used their identities in ways that helped them to confront and combat discrimination and racism in mainstream Canadian society.

It’s that extra incentive of being a different colour, literally. It’s that extra advantage that I think is needed – still needed as a visible minority in an area such as Canada.

In all, participants drew from their family ethno-cultural backgrounds, and other ethno-cultural sources, including the “Canadian” one, to form their identities. Identity formation includes aspects of choice, conscious navigation between various identities and cultural practices, as well as aspects that are absorbed through everyday activities in Canada, and those that are learned from other cultures.

Youth ethno-racial identity formation

Youth ethnicity and race are intimately related when it comes to defining identity. Youth shared their views and experiences of racism and stereotyping as part of their lives as minority youth in Winnipeg. Many of these experiences are based on their daily interactions with people in their immediate circles, including other youth in school and out of school, and in their workplaces.

I’d say a negative [aspect of being a minority] is a lot of racism and stereotypes. I guess youth, they’re not really mature, so they don’t think how it’s going to affect people in the long run. If they’re immature like that, then it just keeps on spreading.

Just being a young black male, people perceive you be certain way. They wouldn’t expect me to be in school or in Science, things like that. The way I dress, for example. It just makes me work a lot harder to succeed. My uncle said to me, ‘just being who you are [from a minority group], you have to work ten times harder than the average person to succeed.’

The impacts of racism and stereotypes on identity were mainly illustrated by youth experiences throughout their adolescence, and in particular in the school setting. The school setting plays a central role in youth lives and their experiences as minorities. Most ethno-racial minority youth are at the margins in the school setting. They would go through many of their formative years experiencing isolation and racism as "the way it is."

Those who have attended schools where ethno-racial minorities were a large part of the school body appeared to have had more rewarding experiences as minority youth. Isolation and discrimination was not as blatant for those who attended schools with high populations of students from ethno-racial minority groups.

In contrast, in schools where ERM youth constituted a true minority in the face of a large group of "white", likely socio-economically privileged youth, they quickly gained a sense of “otherness”. Youth who were disconnected from their peers in high school had high levels of distress due to the sense of “not fitting in.”

Honestly, I didn’t like high school too much. Sometimes, I didn’t really associate myself with those people too much. I feel that, especially the community [that attended the school]; a lot of the times is very secluded. They don’t really try to open up to other cultures. When I was a kid, they didn’t really open up to other cultures. I kind of held my distance.

All of the kids in my class were white . . . the way I looked was different compared to them. So I felt like there was something wrong with me compared to the way that they were, or just the foods that we ate, or just different cultural things, like the way my parents were.

While some participants felt they were ignored or left alone because they were visible minorities, others experienced “unwanted attention” as minorities.

They like to make fun of me. I stick out like a sore thumb, so that makes it worse, and they keep ragging on me. But I guess they like it because there is no coloured person but me.

Another participant described that having different clothing and hair from other students at a predominantly “white” school led to constant teasing. This made him feel like an “outcast” and contributed to his shyness. He also felt that it made him dependant on the one person who would speak up in his defense.

For some, the sense of “otherness” was minimized once they completed high school and transitioned into the university setting. In this new setting they were able to encounter a more diverse population and develop more peer relationships.

I didn't realize it when I was in school, but looking back after I graduated, I realized how segregated I was in the school I attended. When looking back and analyzing the different cliques and who were popular and who weren't, it could just be the school, but the popular people were Caucasian, blond. And it was really hard for people how were ethnic, who were obviously a non-white person, to put it bluntly, to really integrate into school and to find that they were accepted. And when they were finally accepted, it was from people who were also from ethnic minorities. It wasn’t something I realized while in school. Although, I knew that something was wrong.

Some participants who had not experienced racial discrimination or such sense of “otherness” early in life, due to being raised within a large ethnic community or in close contact with other minority communities, indicated being exposed to this experience later on in life, mostly in the workplace. These experiences informed their identities as ERM youth.

Some felt that Caucasian people still have the advantage in the workplace, and that it is harder for minorities to get ahead at work. One participant felt more comfortable working with “anything but white” people, because she felt that Caucasian people were more likely to judge her or cast her in a specific role due to her skin colour and cultural heritage. Another worried that she might have been accepted in her position simply because her workplace wanted to have “minorities working for them”, not based on her individual merit or abilities.

With the growing use of the internet to make friends or develop a potential romantic interest, ethno-racial minority youth may face discrimination in relationships in the virtual world as well.

I would say meeting people face-to-face you don’t really get a reaction from you being a different colour. However, when you are online and people have more choices, that’s a totally different reaction. I talk to some people and they will be all excited, but as soon as you send a picture or video, like they just disappear.

This experience suggests that people may make a greater attempt to hide racial discrimination in in-person interactions, but the internet may provide a more discrete and anonymous space that enables people to harbour racism and to isolate ethno-racial minorities without direct consequences.

Experiences of racism are not limited to interactions between mainstream European or Caucasian communities and those of visible minorities. Stereotyping and discrimination also happen within the inner circles of ethno-cultural communities. Youth identified this as a common occurrence between Canadian-born and recent immigrants from same ethno-cultural or national background, based on their identification as first or second generation immigrants.

I'm Canadian born and there are people that come from the [name of the country], and there is still racism between us. We have names for them, and they have names for us. It exists everywhere. It exists between different people.

Youth belonging would be labeled in different ways. Some Canadian-born minority youth might be insulted by terms such as "coconut", "banana" or by comments like “you’re the whitest Chinese guy I know”. One Canadian-born female said that people in her home country assumed she had a boyfriend simply because she was living in Canada.

[It’s] like you should be so forward that you have two or three boyfriends going on. . . if you are in Canada, no matter what, you have a boyfriend.

First-generation immigrant youth would be called "FOB" (Fresh Off the Boat) by their Canadian-born ethnic counterparts. They were sometimes perceived by their Canadian-born ethnic groups as being “stuck to the culture.”

Some stereotypical labels would be applied by mainstream and minority groups as identifying features of others from specific ethno-cultural groups. In all cases, the stereotypes youth perceive that others associate with ethnic or national background influences their sense of belonging. Youth find they have to separate or explain themselves in opposition to those stereotypes. In particular, youth fought against stereotypes about being a young person from a specific cultural group, such as being Jamaican and “smoking weed”, or being Filipino and gambling, “being dramatic”, or inevitably driving a “rice mobile.”

Stereotyping and discrimination may lead youth to an increased identification with the ethno-cultural background of their parents and to an increased bond with youth from their own ethno-racial background, including when it comes to dating or choosing a partner.

I tried most of my childhood to be quote unquote “Canadian”, and finding that I would never be accepted as “Canadian”. And where I found acceptance was amongst my [ethnic designation] friends . . . the [ethnic designation] community. So, I consider myself [ethnic designation] because of that. . . there’s a point of subtle racism, and there’s a point of blatant racism that I’ve experienced, and to that point where I’ve experience blatant racism, I realized, no, I can’t deny my skin colour and that I’m [ethnic designation]. So, I’ve stuck with that.

For others, it was considered more advantageous to associate with mainstream groups in order to enjoy life in Canada and “fit in”.

We (ethno-racial minority group) did hang out and stuff, but it’s not like we hung out to an extreme amount. I think even then, they became fairly “white”. . . I credit my whiteness to elementary school.

For one participant, there was some desire in the family to disassociate themselves from their ethno-racial community due to family’s unsatisfactory experiences within the community and the belief that a stronger association with other communities may lead to a better future. This disassociation led to a decision to establish relationships with others, primarily Caucasian Canadians.

In all, it appears that youth ethno-racial identification was influenced by their appearance or “look” and some of the most superficial aspects of their culture. Even for those who did not personally identify themselves as being a visible minority, they felt they were perceived that way by others, and treated differently as a result.

Ethno-racial minority youth also formed their identities in part in reaction to images and messages from various media. Nearly all the participants expressed the opinion that visible minorities are underrepresented and misrepresented in today’s media, and that they were virtually absent in the 1980’s and early 1990’s, when the participants were children.

This lack of representation in media had varying degrees and types of impact on the participants. Some felt that the media was “boring” and had “no influence” or did not “apply” to them because their ethno-racial groups were not represented, or were misrepresented in a way they could not relate to.

I don’t think media really portrays any kind of culture correctly anyways, so it doesn’t really influence me directly.

However, others worried that misrepresentations would affect the ways in which mainstream society identified their ethno-racial group.

Definitely if a visible minority commits a crime that is offensive enough, that in the media will overshadow everything [positive] . . . If for some reason an [ethno-racial minority] guy is profiled in the media for committing a crime, what should the other ones do? Should we be worried because now that this guy did that, are we all going to be stereotyped?

The overrepresentation of Caucasian people in the media, especially on television, affected the ways that some participants perceived and identified themselves.

Something about that is not normal, that we all have to relate to white kids, that somehow they represent everybody.

[I] just sit back and go like ‘Oh, am I supposed to be like that, and then if I am not like that, what am I? Am I not what I’m supposed to be?’ It’s conflicting.

Many of the youth coped with these messages by ignoring them; refusing to watch television or to even own a TV. For others, they attempted to find media that they could relate to, by watching ethno-specific television shows and buying ethno-specific magazines.

Ethno-Racial Minority Status and Sexuality

Participants talked about some aspects of belonging to a minority group that defined their sexuality and sexual identity. Among these aspects, youth spoke about gender expectations within and outside their communities that influenced identity definitions and sometimes created conflicts. For instance, some of the expectations that women faced within their certain cultural groups and outside their group (from other cultures or mainstream Canadian culture) created significant pressure. In one case, a cultural group expected women to be “submissive”, “quiet”, “not out-spoken”, or “subservient”.

Body Image, Self Esteem and Sexuality

The experience of being considered within certain fixed ethno-racial parameters may influence youth experiences of their sexuality, including their self-perception of their personal attractiveness, and their attractiveness in mainstream culture and to potential relationship partners. Influences from their own and other ethno-racial groups, mainstream Canadians and the media about beauty, dating preferences and sexual stereotypes can affect ERM youth’s body image and self esteem and sexuality.

Some participants discussed media stereotypes of beauty and their impact on ERM youth. For some, “always seeing white girls”, or “a beautiful, very skinny, blonde with blue eyes, fair-skinned” woman as “poster” girls made them feel that they didn’t like the way they looked, that they wanted to be white, or that they would not have careers in the media (i.e. as an actress) because they were not Caucasian. One participant elaborated that she only saw light-skinned Asian women in the media, not Asian women with darker skin, because light skin is considered to be more “pretty”.

The dating market, where ERM youth encounter prospective dating partners, is another area where ERM youth face stereotypes about race, culture and gender roles that affect their body image and self esteem. One participant experienced such stereotyping from mainstream Canadian men.

Asian women stereotypes . . . stupid guys that you meet at the bar who think you are submissive and they say, ‘Oh, let me guess what degree you are taking – it’s Biology’ . . . And I do encounter that a lot but that’s for them to think and for me to know.

A male participant faced similar stereotyping in the dating scene, and felt that it affected his sexuality in term of who would be attracted to him.

White girls . . . I think you have to look at things from their point of view, like they are the majority, and especially girls who are a little more adventurous, those are the girls who would be interested.

His comments indicate that for some mainstream Canadians, dating an ERM can be seen as exotic, or something only attempted by those who are looking for something different. The effects can be dehumanizing for some ERM youth.

Other stereotypes about sexual characteristics and behavior of ERM groups come from mainstream Canadian society.

If you’re a sexy [ethno-racial minority] woman you get the money. You’re looked on more as an object for pleasure than anything else. If you’re not a good looking [ethno-racial minority woman] not much value is placed on you.

I think North America has an obsession about penis size, if I want to be candid, then Asian guys are known to, how do you say it, to be not very big. I’ve never looked at any studies, but there is a generalization that Asians have smaller penis sizes. If you view that as a measure of masculinity, obviously we are seen as not ideal. Maybe we get engineering degrees or nice cars to compensate, so there you go.

These comments illustrate the destructive or negative impact that stereotypes about the physical attractiveness of ERM youth have on their body image and self-esteem. Participants express feeling that “no value” is placed on them, or they do not fit the “ideal”.

These perceptions create pressure on youth from inside and outside their cultural groups to behave and identify themselves in a particular way. Many ERM youth internalize these stereotypes and begin to question their identities and self-perceptions about sexuality.

Communication about Sexuality in the Family

The first reaction to the topic of family communication about sexuality was to point out that youth do not “talk” with their parents about sexuality, and that communication about sexuality does not happen within the family. However, a deeper understanding of the meaning of communicating or talking about sexuality in the family lead us to believe that there are definite messages communicated across generations, and that families utilize different means and styles of communication on the matter.

The main messages regarding sexuality received from parents are about who would be a suitable (marriage) partner, expectations about gender roles, and views on sexuality in Canadian or North American culture.

Appropriate and inappropriate dating practices and partners

When addressing sexuality related issues in the interviews, youth would immediately gravitate to their experiences around dating and what dating means to their parents. Youth would point out that according to their parents dating should not be part of youth’s lives, as they would have to first follow a series of other activities before progressing into their own family lives. For most participants, this process involved going to school, finishing university, finding an appropriate partner, getting married, and having children.

In my culture, [sexuality] is a taboo subject. So people don’t really like to talk about it whether it’s dating or anything like that even. I have a girlfriend right now, it’s been a while. At first I hid it from my parents because education was their main priority. They didn’t think education and dating meshed together. Dating is time consuming, so they thought I wouldn’t have enough time for my studies.

Youth who do not follow the culturally appropriate chain of events face disapproval, anger and disappointment from their parents and sometimes also from their ethno-racial communities. This could include moving out of the parental home before marriage.

Well, it’s kind of tradition that once you get married, you move out . . . other than that, you live in your parents’ house until you die.

One participant describes that this expectation can be so powerful that even when a child moves out, parents might not be able to accept it, and might still expect them to move back home even years after they have left the house.

Dating while in school or having sex before marriage are also unacceptable deviations from the parents’ expected process during youth. Youth faced potentially being forced to leave their parents’ homes if they were found to be dating someone at a young age, while they were still in school. Many participants spoke of their parents’ fear and worry that if youth were allowed to date, they would become sexually active. This might lead parents to perceive their children differently.

The [ethnic designation] way is that as soon as you have sex and you’re not married, you are lower than dirt and you are considered a “man-ho”, a “girl-ho.”

Another participant explained that it can be a “huge adjustment” for parents to think about their children having sex. “They’d have to kind of give up a lot of ideas that they had for me and the kind of life that I would lead.”

Youth have not only received messages about the proper time to start dating, but also about their parents’ preferences for dating and marriage partners. Inter-racial dating was felt by many to be the “biggest issue.” In most cases, the parental preference was towards finding a person within their own ethno-racial or cultural background. One participant felt that this was considered preferable because there would be more understanding between the couple. “Other cultures don’t know about our life, our community.”

In cases where finding a partner within their own ethno-specific group was not a concern, some youth would still receive a clear message about which ethno-specific groups were preferable, and which were definitely not acceptable. This differed widely, from cases where parents believed it would be unacceptable for their children to date Caucasians, to situations where the preference was for ethno-racial groups whose skin was lighter.

I don’t think white is acceptable [to my parents] but I think . . . darker skin is definitely not acceptable . . . I didn’t realize that until you said it.

I know in my culture like if you were to date like a Canadian for instance, [my parents] would think of it as a success, ‘cause [in my home country] it’s like really poor there and to marry a white guy it’s like, ‘Oh, he has money and he will take care of you forever’ kind of thing.

The rules could also be affected by the gender of the youth, as was the case with one participant, who said that while her community accepted black men dating white women, they did not approve of black women dating white men.

These comments indicate that there is a dating hierarchy created by some parents, based on the perceived advantages or disadvantages of being involved with someone from a particular racial group. For some parents, marrying a Caucasian person is associated with improving financial and social status. For others, becoming involved with a Caucasian is a disappointment due to the history of oppression and colonization by Caucasians.

In some cases, the issue was not about ethnicity or race at all. For some, having the same religious affiliation was more important than belonging to specific ethnic groups. For others, the most important attribute for a partner was that they had a “future”, generally seen as the desire to succeed in life through education and professional achievement. Again, the gender of the youth affected the traits that were sought after. One participant felt that her community thought that having a good career and economic security were important characteristics for a male partner, but not as important in a female partner. Instead, they believed that a female should be “pretty, nice . . . career I think is like fourth or fifth on the list.” Another female participant said she felt her parents might not approve of her dating a male from another ethnic or religious group, but that they would overlook it as long as she gave them grandchildren.

The subject of same sex relationships and marriage was one that most participants had received strong messages about, whether directly or indirectly. For the most part, homosexuality was not seen as acceptable, and having a same sex partner was something that the youth felt their parents would be angry, disappointed or “heartbroken” about. In some cases, participants mentioned that homosexuality had provoked violence in their home countries, and in their communities in Canada.

Messages about homosexuality sometimes came from cultural beliefs and practices, such as with one participant who mentioned that homophobic sentiment was expressed in the music of his home country. In other cases, messages came from religious sanctions against homosexuality.

A bigger shock than never getting married is being gay, and never getting married is a huge shock for them. They live their whole lives to give you away. In fact, in (religious affiliation) culture they say if a father can’t give his daughter away, he doesn’t get into heaven.

In these cases, it appears as though parents feel that having a homosexual child indicates a shortcoming or a failure in their parenting. Youth also said that parents worry about how the community will react and if they will be ostracized for having a gay child.

There was also a great deal of silence around homosexuality in many families and communities. Some youth noted the lack of discussion particularly around female homosexuality. Others said that as long as homosexuals keep quiet about their sexual orientation, they might be accepted in the community.

Only two participants mentioned receiving positive messages about homosexuality. For one of them, having a parent who had homosexual friends made her own homosexual friend feel more accepted and welcomed at her home. For another, knowing that his parents would support him regardless of his sexual orientation enabled him to explore his sexual identity freely. However, he also expressed that his experience was not typical amongst his extended family and other ERM friends.

The participants’ own perceptions of homosexuality appeared to be more tolerant than those of their parents. Many indicated respect for people regardless of their sexual orientation, and support for homosexual friends and community members. However, they indicated the lack of support for homosexual ERM youth in many families and communities. As one participant indicated, this means that being gay is “living dangerously” for many ERM youth, and puts them at risk of being alienated, rejected or even targeted for violence.

The youths’ personal expectations with regard to appropriate partners were varied. It seemed that preferences were shaped by parental and/or societal influences depending on what youth believed to be more acceptable and help them to succeed and fit in. While for some this may be within their own group or other ERM communities, others felt that dating white people would help them to better navigate Canadian society, based on their own and their family’s experiences integrating into Canada.

Gender roles and expectations

Expectations around sexuality, including dating, differ for young males and young females. While parents appeared to be concerned about youth dating, more restrictions and supervision were used with female youth than with male youth. Many youth would still date with or without full consent or knowledge from their parents, but young males’ experiences differed from those of young females.

Young males were able to date more freely than young females. Some of the male participants did not have as much pressure around dating as long as they avoided a long-term commitment. A participant’s experience illustrates this point: “My dad [says] ‘Dating is okay, but eventually, I would like for you to marry someone from the same culture, the same background’”. Yet, this freedom to date freely across cultures exposes youth to the real possibility to eventually commit to long-term intercultural and interracial relationships. The participant continues to explain:

It is hard growing up in Canada. It’s hard when you’re dating, because you know what you’re going get from your family, not to mention your friends, just from dating someone who is Caucasian or just different from you. There are barriers, and you know that they’re there, but it’s your life.

Pressure for males to marry within their own ethno-cultural group appears to be based on the belief that differences in gender roles between the home culture and Canadian culture will create difficulties for an inter-cultural relationship.

(f)or example, a Nigerian and a Canadian, they are not brought up the same way. They are males, and you do not expect the same thing from a Canadian male to a Nigerian male, same as females. So basically, if you have a Nigerian male date a Canadian female, the female expects a bunch of things from the male, because of the way she knows [Canadian] males have been brought up, and vice versa. And if they work out that difference, it will never add up.

Dating for young females was more restricted than that of males. This was expressed in who and when they were allowed to date, as discussed earlier, but also in how late they were allowed to stay out and whether they could date males that they did not intend to marry. In most cases, females from various ethno-racial groups had earlier curfews, were restricted to the number of evenings per week that they could go out, and were monitored more carefully by parents. Parents would request to meet their friends, including male friends, and would phone them to check up on them while they were out. Some also said that it was not considered appropriate for them to “look for a man” or to approach a male they were interested in dating.

The female participants felt that the explanations their parents gave them relate to the ethno-racial and cultural ideas about women’s gender roles.

I ask why [I’m not allowed to stay out as late as my brother], it’s because he is a boy and nothing can happen to a boy. And it’s the whole thing, if girls, if anything happens to you, you get pregnant and everyone knows . . . your reputation, that whole thing will go down the drain.

When you’re a girl you’re kind of, kind of have that pressure of carrying the family traditions.

For most female participants, the ethno-racial and cultural gender role that informed their parents’ expectations of them was one in which women should be in the household, should look after children and cook, and should be “second in command” to a man. While many of the participants planned to work outside the home, and some had mothers who worked outside the home, there was still an immense pressure for them to marry, have children and stay at home. A male participant elaborated on this expectation;

I’d say it probably has to do with the laws of this country and the laws of African nations. For example, laws of the this country say that it’s a half and half thing where the woman has to do a bunch of things and the man has to do a bunch of things. If it doesn’t work out in the relationship, the woman gets the benefit, while the guy loses. And those laws are not back in Africa. Like, in African way, they follow the Bible, like, the man is the head of the family, and the woman is second in command. It doesn’t mean they are not equal, it doesn’t mean the woman doesn’t get to make the decisions in the family as usual, because the women always do, right? But it just means that the woman would have to give the man more respect than usual. For example, I’ll say cooking. It’s always the woman’s occupation to cook in the house, right?

For male participants, the male gender role also had parallels across different ethno-racial and cultural groups. In general, males were expected to be the “head of the household” or the “man of the family”, which included expectations for an education, a professional career and economic security. Males were expected to marry and to provide financially for their families.

As mentioned above, males faced fewer restrictions on dating, and it seemed to be generally accepted that males would break rules, be “mischievous” or act like “bad boys” in their youth. However, for one participant, the strong portrayal of black youth as “lazy” or “thugs” influenced the supervisory patterns of his parents, in particular his mother, who was afraid that her son was developing some of the widely spread characteristics of western society.

Sexuality in Canadian/North American culture

Many of the messages that youth received about sexuality indicated their parents’ concern that Canadian and North American culture are very sexual and sexually open. Youth believed their parents feared the influence of Canadian culture on youths’ beliefs and practices around sexuality.

Messages from parents around the dangers of being influenced by Canadian culture included that it is disrespectful to talk about or be open about sexuality. Some felt that there were “no morals” in Canada with regard to sexuality, and some parents would contrast this to their own ethno-racial minority groups, saying to youth that no one from their home country would act that Canadian youth do.

Some parents would warn youth that they were expected not to act the way they see Canadian youth acting. One participant said his parents are concerned about how Canadian youth are dating.

[My parents] say ‘What are Canadians doing here?’ or ‘What are Canadian kids doing here?’ They don’t want me to do that.

By drawing comparisons between appropriate behavior in their home countries and Canadian culture, as well as direct messages, parents send messages to youth that they do not agree with Canadian culture’s concept of sexuality.

Styles of Communication

While messages are important, we also found the style of communication to be a key factor in how sexuality related information was passed between parents and their children. Adolescent sexual behaviour is more likely to be influenced by adult models and behaviours than direct communication between parents and children. Most adults are embarrassed and uncomfortable discussing adolescent sexual feelings and desire.

Often, youth received indirect messages about sexuality, including dating, through the views that their parents expressed about relating to their own ethno-cultural background, or if their parents expressed strong views on certain ethno-cultural groups. Youth could draw their own conclusions based on what they heard their parents say in passing on these subjects.

Youth provided other examples on how further indirect communication about sexuality would happen within their families. Communication was mediated by third parties’ experiences or interventions. This was the case within groups where information was passed along or exchanged through “godmothers” or “uncles” or “aunties”.

Barriers to Communication

As pointed out in the previous section, styles of communication may act as barriers to communication. In many cases there was no dialogue involved in the process of conveying messages about sexuality. When youth received direct messages, they were often conveyed in authoritarian mode, with no room for discussion. As one participant said:

They do not allow dating, so how can I talk about it?

One participant said the only message she got from her parents about sexuality was that it was “wrong” and “discussion closed”. Another described a similar reply:

I was never satisfied with the answers that I, and I’m sure many other [ethnic designation] children were given when they had questions about something that is problematic or controversial. And the answer, ‘That’s just the way it is’ . . . ‘I’m not going to give you a reason. I’m just going to impose them on you.’

Early learning of parents’ views and tone of the message acted as barriers that would moderate youth response. Youth would quickly learn how their parents react to certain sensitive topics and decide not to bring them up or to avoid them altogether. Some youth would not raise certain issues (e.g., dating, drug or alcohol consumption) when they already knew their parents’ inflexible views on the matters. Opening up these topics would not result in a conversation but a lecture.

My mom is always talking about marriage, but I’m too young to be thinking about marriage and whatnot . . . I really don’t say anything. I may say something like ‘yes’ or ‘no’ but I’m thinking something else in my head.

[When I was young] I was always trying to say the right thing. A lot of times, I wouldn’t say what was on my mind. I just said what they wanted to hear because I was scared to say something that was different from what [my parents] thought.

Some youth would withhold information because they were unsure of their parents’ opinions and did not know “what’s acceptable”, or to “retaliate” for a lack of openness from their parents. Other youth would only discuss certain topics, such as dating, if they were asked directly by their parents.

Language issues, such as a limited proficiency in English and/or in the parents’ mother tongue, may also prevent youth from communicating with parents about sexuality. As sexuality is not often discussed, youth may not know the words for sexual organs or acts, and cannot bring up the issues or questions they want to discuss.

Different world views or expectations between parents and youth on dating and sex can make it difficult for them to find common ground in communication.

I think my ideas are different from those of my parents because they grew up in a different country, in a different time frame than I did.

In some cases, youth grow up in households where the parents do not feel it is appropriate to show affection, even kissing. This creates an atmosphere where youth feel that intimacy is something that has to be hidden. Some youth also fear that their parents will judge them or assume that because their children are asking about sex, they must be sexually active.

Gossip in cultural or ethno-racial communities can also be a barrier to communication. Some participants felt that if they talked to their parents about their dating lives or their friends’ dating lives, it would get around to other parents in the community. One participant felt that once information had circulated in the community, they might hold it against a person for years.

If it’s a woman, it doesn’t matter, it’s like; ‘Oh, she’s a psychologist but when she was 15 she did this and this’ you know? There’s always that threat.

Facilitators to Communication

Some styles of communication are great facilitators of information about sexuality. Others factors include the parental traditional childrearing roles. Youth are more likely to talk with mothers or get messages from mothers about the subject, even if in indirect manner. In most cases, fathers appear to transmit these types of messages less frequently.

For participants who were able to discuss sexuality with their parents, many felt that their parents’ attitudes, beliefs and educational backgrounds made them easier to talk to. In some cases, youth attributed their experience to their parents’ profession such as being a teacher or a psychologist. Others felt their parents were “liberal”, “open minded”, “proactive”, “not old school”, and this made them more approachable and comfortable to talk to.

My parents have always been open to discussion and I’ve always been able to reason with them and compromise on certain things and that makes it more understandable for me. Like if they’re open to saying ‘yes’, then the times that they do say ‘no’, I can respect it more because I know they’re probably doing it for a good reason and not just because they said so.

Other experiences that have facilitated communication for youth have been their observation of how parents have handled these situations with older siblings. In these occasions, they were able to observe parental styles of communication and messages conveyed to siblings. This has influenced the extent and the areas for communication among participants and their parents. For many youth, they saw their older siblings as path breakers, who had faced a greater struggle to communicate with parents, but made it easier for younger siblings to talk about issues as they got older.

Age and gender may also influence how communication happens. It appeared that communication was easier for females and definitely for older youth (in their 20s) than younger youth. Most participants indicated that they and their parents were more prepared to communicate when youth older than when they were in their teenage years.

While gossip was discussed earlier as being a barrier to communication, in some cases gossip about others could facilitate communication across generations. Morality-based stories about the experiences of other families in the community, in particular regarding teenage pregnancy, could provide openings for families to talk about important issues. By discussing other peoples’ families, parents and youth could discuss issues from a distance, rather than bringing them up in the context of their own families.

Another facilitating factor is the media. Television programming – where many issues may come up due to pervasive messages anchored on sexuality, from commercials, music videos, soap operas or sitcoms – were used to raise some of the issues between generations.

I mostly talk about [sexuality with my parents] when a situation either comes up on TV or a movie or something . . . if it happens, it gets the ball rolling, into what you think of it and what they think of it. Other than that it’s just not spoken of.

Communication with Friends / Peer Influence

Most youth get messages about sexuality from their friend or peer groups, and these messages may conflict with those they hear at home from their parents. In some cases, strong family expectations may be at odd with peers expectations of what youth should do. Peers may not understand the strong inclination and need of ethno-racial minority youth to study hard, to avoid dating, or to obey curfews and restrictions on spending time with friends.

I find that I relate better to (ethno-racial minority youth) because I can talk about things in my family or if I say ‘My parents won’t let me go there’ they’ll understand why . . . whereas my white friends would kind of not understand or encourage me to lie or rebel against my parents because they didn’t understand what I was going through.

Most participants said they would approach their friends for advice, but would restrict this to certain aspects of life, such as school, relationships, or things they know their friends care about or “have experience on.” Only a few felt they could talk about intimate relationships with their friends. In these cases, youth would talk to close friends who had been through similar experiences.

Coping Strategies

Youth use many coping strategies to deal with challenges to communication and to the diverse expectations they face from parents and friends. In order to avoid confrontation with parents about sexuality matters, participants would sometimes “lie” or keep secrets. In some cases, they would lie about where they were going or who they were with, in order to be able to date without their parents’ knowledge. In other cases they would meet their partner at school, during the day. A few would have alternate cell phones and keep P.O. boxes without parental knowledge to communicate with friends and dates.

Participants would also prepare in advance for how they would deal with it if their parents found out they were dating, so they wouldn’t be caught off guard. Some participants were not ready to face conflict with their families about dating, and so chose to cope by avoiding or delaying dating.

Youth also found it helpful to confide in their partners, siblings and friends to deal with challenges in their families and with regard to sexuality. One participant said that finding friends who face the same challenges with their parents was helpful. For some of the older youth, participants would initiate conversations with parents about sensitive topics, feeling more comfortable because they were older.

Using humour and making jokes also helped youth to cope with challenges such as stereotyping, racism and talking about sexuality with their parents.

I think [sexuality] is one of those issues that if you don’t approach with jest, you’re pretty much at a dead end.

When youth and parents were not able to meet an agreement on expectations around sexuality, both groups appeared to engage in what one participant called an “intricate dance” around the subject. This included both parties ignoring behaviour that they were not comfortable discussing or confronting. Parents might not allow youth to spend the night with their partners, but would turn a blind eye when youth visited their partners during the day, at hotels, or if they went away for a weekend together. One participant explained why she thought this strategy helped youth and parents to cope:

I find that parents kind of know that it’s going on, but they’d rather not hear about it . . . if you actually say it then it becomes true.

Sources of Sexuality Information

School-based sexuality education provided most participants with a lot of basic information on sexual and reproductive health matters. A few participants felt that it was easier to learn about sexuality at school than at home.

You feel different learning about it at school, and I would rather learn about it from my teacher that I’m only going to see for one year than from my parents I am going to see day in and day out for the rest of my life.

However, many youth indicated not paying much attention to the messages conveyed in school. The main barrier was attributed to the lack of connection between the messenger (teacher) and the recipient of the message (student):

To be honest with you, I didn’t pay much attention to [these issues] in school. They way they taught it . . . they got to the point, but I don’t think it really connected with the kids.

Some school-based messages were in dissonance with youth needs and realities. For instance, one participant commented that the main message he got in his schooling years was abstinence, which did not resonate with the student population.

I had a lot of lectures about abstinence being number one. There wasn’t any other option.

For others, the messages from school were too focused on biological processes, such as childbirth, and not enough on relationships or social aspects of sexuality.

Other barriers in school-based sexuality education include the use of parental consent forms, which some youth felt their parents would not sign, and the lack of sexuality education in some private schools as opposed to public schools.

Day-to-day contact with friends provided another source of information, and youth sometimes felt more comfortable approaching friends with their daily struggles with sexuality. However, while friends could sometimes provide opinions on relationships, many youth felt that friends gave “immature and inaccurate”, “horrible” “stupid” or “bad” advice about sexual behavior.

[Youth get] erroneous and false information [about sexuality] from friends and older siblings and stuff like that; and from their own blunders and experiences. Not the best, safest way to learn, I don’t think.

The media, especially the internet, offers youth a fast and private way to search for more information on sexuality. Some youth were aware of the need to look for reliable and reputable websites. Others also got information from TV shows based on sexuality education.

We noted a lack of knowledge among youth of specific local organizations or information services where they can obtain reliable information. Only one participant mentioned having visited a local community clinic for information. She was informed about it by a friend, and then made a point of telling her other friends about it. She would go to the clinic with them to make them feel more comfortable accessing information. One other participant got information from a doctor.

This lack of awareness may in part be due to the learning environment at home. Most youth believed their parents obtained information on sexuality from personal experience, old wives tales, or their friends. If parents are unable to provide youth with resources, they do not set a precedent for youth to seek information from health organizations and health professionals.